Here I Am :0)

Well here I am! :0)

I think that i will use this spot to write down my ideas and thoughts inspirational and otherwise....

You see my Dad just had a heart attack and is lucky to be alive. He has prostate cancer. Which he already had surgury for but they didn't get it all so he now has to fight off the cancer with radiation treatment. An experience like this makes a girl start to take a more serious look at her life decisions and wonder if she is on the right path... You know?

I'm a 32 year old stay at home Mom of two (one 4 1/2, one 14 months) absolutely gorgeous and loving girls. I'm married to a wonderful man whom I love! :) I'm about 40 lbs overweight. I still have dreams that i haven't really made much of an effort toward. (Well sort of) I spend the majority of my day taking care of my girls, cleaning my house, checking out the web and sometimes shopping (mostly for groceries). I use to exercise quite a bit before i had my last baby and i was at an ideal weight for my body type, which i absolutely loved. Now i find it difficult to get the energy up and the time to do any sort of exercise without making my kids suffer by needing to wait for me... to ...umm...well ..i guess just wait for my time. Oh ... i also love music. I love to sing, i can play twinkle twinkle little star on the piano and the guitar. I would like to learn to play both instruments better. I love Camping, The Beach, Swimming and Hiking. Also Drawing, Painting, Taking pictures of what i think are really cool people and things.

I have this dream of being the super Mom/Person/Wife/Women... you know. Where i have time to feed, play with, and teach my kids and be all that they need. As well as be the supporting perfect wife. Be at an Ideal weight, eat healthy, have the energy to excercise and have fun everyday. Have a clean and organized home that my kids, husband and I can feel proud of no matter when someone happens to drop by. Also have a career,..no a calling, that i am passionate about, really good at and find very fullfilling.

Needless to say my house is always a mess even though i feel as if I spend most of my time cleaning it. I rarly have time to excercise or so it seems. I'm a chocoholic and i loooooove chips, pizza, nachos, ...umm... and pasta ....oh and bread ..fresh from the oven...yummm! (now i'm drooling) I'm sure i don't spend enough quality time with my kids. Even though i spend all my day with them most of it i end up telling them what to do, feeding them, bathing them, telling them "NO!", picking up after them, trying to make sure they don't seriously harm themselves. Not a lot of relaxed playtime. And well as for my Calling...i don't know?

I want to be an artist. Am i good at it? Well i'm better at drawing then some. I need more practice. I also like to paint. I have a few paintings. Two watercolors that basically look like a kid made them(Maya, my 4 1/2 year old, loves these she says they are "So Colourful" lol) . And a few of acrylics. One unfinished and the other two well some days i like them some days i don't. The most recent painting, which was kind of an experiment anyway. I feel is flawed and in trying to make it better, meaning wise, it lead me in an interesting direction. For now I'm just focused on just learning as much as i can. I can be really good at it...I think.. if i practice...and practice some more...and More... It's hard to find time for anything other than my kids and cleaning though these days. Hell some days it's hard to find time for a decent shower. Some days i just say F#$@k it and do whatever i want. ( instead of clean, i obviously still take care of my girls) Then i end up spending the next week trying to catch up. *sigh*

I find that becoming a Mom you kind of loose yourself for a while you know. Or maybe forever really... then when you go to find yourself you find someone new or someone you don't really recognize anymore. After all i don't drink much..i don't do drugs anymore, not for a long time... I don't have time or desire for Bars or Watching large amounts of TV or Movies (well i still love a good movie or show of course but i don't spend all my time on it anymore) i don't even spend time with or even talk with the same people anymore because.... well i grew up ...most of them haven't yet. I don't really get to talk with anyone over the age of 5 much so i feel i need an outlet. My husband doesn't get home till late and he works at a call center so he doesn't really want to gab when he gets home. He more or less wants to veg out in front of the computer.

So Here I Am. This is my journey...my journey to make my goals a reality. I know though that i will never be a perfect Mom or Wife or even Person, but i can be, at least, a perfect Me. :0) Just FYI it may be a little boring but i'm gonna write it anyway because... I want to. :0)